pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
