you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
