I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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