the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
