Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
