my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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