dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
