You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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