your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
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I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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