What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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