I need to stop coming to work sober
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize