Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
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ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
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If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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