During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
