Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
