all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
