This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
