The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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