I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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