Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Randomize