the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
