for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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