My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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