Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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