If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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