Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
