I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
