Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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