Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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