I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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