Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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