Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
