Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
