there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We don't watch enough power rangers
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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