Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
