I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
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I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
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Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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