I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
