He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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