An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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