why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
