drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
