Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
