wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
