He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
