T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
