How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
