he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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