dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
