Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We left an ass print on the piano.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
