theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
