wrigley field is MILF paradise
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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