Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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