she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
