There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
